Arby's (5864 Sawmill Road)

"A Tale of Two Arby's"
It was the best of meals, it was the worst of meals...

Last week, my wife surprised me by calling to ask if I'd be interested in meeting her for lunch. The only catch was that we had to eat at Arby's, the favorite restaurant of my four-year-old son, Cap Jr. I had my reservations, given the bad experience I'd had at the Hilliard-Cemetery Arby's, but I agreed.

We met at the Arby's on Sawmill Road near Home Depot at noon. The line was fairly long, but the cashiers were quick, friendly, and efficient. That's right, cashiers - this restaurant had two registers open to better handle the lunch rush. The Sawmill Arby's also has duplicate soda fountains and condiment stations. Mountain Dew and Horsey Sauce, no waiting.

The dining area was the nicest I've seen in any fast-food restaurant. Dark hardwoods, tasteful carpeting, green plants everywhere, a glass-ceilinged atrium in the center of the restaurant, and convincing faux-leather booths. Many full-service chain restaurants aren't this well furnished. Quite a difference from the Hilliard-Cemetery location.

For fast fare, the food was first-rate. I ordered the philly-beef toasted sub, which features Arby's roast beef on a toasted ciabatta roll, roasted onions, crisp bell peppers, and garlic mayonnaise. Delicious. I also had Arby's signature side - potato cakes. Depending on where you get them, these hash-brown-like triangular cakes of shredded potatoes can be underdone and chewy, or overdone and bitterly crunchy. Like Goldilocks' bed, these potato cakes were just right.

The lovely, health-conscious Mrs. Fine-Burger had a Martha's Vineyard salad: grape tomatoes, diced apples, dried cranberries, and shredded cheese on a bed of lettuce. Unlike many fast-food salads, this one contained romaine lettuce as well as iceberg lettuce, and there were no wilted brown spots to be seen. The Martha's Vineyard salad also contained slices of chicken (probably from Arby's chicken filet sandwich). Mrs. F-B reports that the chicken was well-cooked and lean, which is crucial to a good salad. After all, nothing ruins the illusion of healthy eating like biting into a chewy, gelatinous piece of chicken fat.

Cap Jr. had the Arby's Kid's Meal: a junior roast-beef sandwich, curly fries, and a juice box. Cap's meal looked as tasty and well-prepared as mine. He was happy with the food, but disappointed that the "surprise" was two plastic Arby's cowboy-hat logos that could be linked together. Not much fun. A critic has to say something negative about any restaurant. When you're reduced to criticizing the toy in the kid's meal, you know you've had a good fast-food dining experience.

The check was under $16. That's a little high for a fast-food meal for three, but well worth it considering the quality of the meal. If the economy truly turns Dickensian, you might consider saving a few bucks by forgoing the sit-down chain restaurants and taking the family to the Sawmill Arby's.

Arby's (Hilliard-Cemetery Road)

There's an episode of the Simpsons in which Bart and his classmates end up stranded on a desert island.* Like their counterparts in The Lord of the Flies, the kids enjoy their freedom initially, but they soon run out of food. In hunger and despair, one of them grumbles, "I'm so hungry, I could eat at Arby's."

I've always had a soft spot for Arby's. Maybe it's because Arby's is native to the Buckeye State (the first restaurant opened in Boardman, OH, in 1961). Maybe it's because my grandfather liked Arby's, so when I was a boy, a visit from Grampa always meant I'd get a roast-beef sandwich and fries for dinner instead of Hamburger Helper or Chef Boyardee. Or maybe it's because you have to be a fan of any restaurant that makes horseradish sauce available to its customers via a spigot. Homer Simpson would love it. Mmm...Horsey Sauce.

So while I love the Simpsons as much as the next guy, I never understood its screenwriters' disdain for one of my favorite fast-food restaurants. Until recently, that is, when I visited the Arby's on Hilliard-Cemetery Road. The first thing I noticed upon walking in was the pungent stench of a clogged grease trap. Something's burnin'...something's burnin'... Quite an appetite killer.

The second thing I noticed was that the cashier was a dead ringer for Cletus, the Slack-Jawed Yokel, the Simpsons' stereotypical hillbilly, but without Cletus' shine-swilling charm. Despite his flat-eyed stare, the cashier did take my order correctly and make the proper change, so perhaps I'm being too hard on him.

The third thing I noticed was the decor. Many Arby's locations have been renovated with tasteful carpet, rich-looking dark brown artificial-leather booths, green plants, and skylights. This location apparently didn't get the memo. Most of the walls and carpeting were Modern Office Cubicle Gray. Gee, nothing like escaping the cold, gray office to have lunch in a cold, gray restaurant.

Of course, none of this matters much if the food is tasty...which, unfortunately, it wasn't. I ordered a Beef and Cheddar sandwich, whose bun was stale enough to fail the Flick Test. (Next time you order a fast-food sandwich, gently flick the bun. If it sounds like you're flicking a kitchen countertop, you've been cheated. D'oh!) The roast beef was warm and fully cooked, but the cheddar sauce was concentrated in one drippity dollop at the edge of the sandwich. Good thing I had plenty of Horsey Sauce on hand to balance things out. The curly fries were lukewarm, a fast-food sin for which there is no good excuse. Adding insult to injury was the fact that the Cemetery Road store has the highest menu prices I've seen at any greater Columbus Arby's.

On the plus side, the restaurant wasn't overly crowded, even at the height of the lunch rush. I can't imagine why.

Next time you get a hankering for slow-roasted, freshly sliced roast beef on a bun, skip the Cemetery Road location. If you're going to pay premium fast-food prices, you have a right to expect premium fast-food quality.

*Thanks to the magic of the Internet, I can tell you the episode in question is #5F11, titled "Das Bus," which originally aired on Fox on Feb. 15, 1998.