Steak 'n' Shake (6075 Emerald Parkway)

Among men of letters, consistency gets a bad rap, from Huxley ("Consistency is contrary to nature, contrary to life") to Wilde ("Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative") to Emerson ("A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds").

But among men of appetite for good greasy lunches, consistency is a virtue. When noon rolls around and your stomach is growling, you want to know you can depend on a restaurant to provide consistently good food and service.

The Steak 'n' Shake at Emerald Parkway is just such a restaurant. I've eaten there at least ten times in the past three years, trying everything from the steakburger to the turkey club, from the chili to the onion rings to the slaw, and I've never gotten a bad meal, or bad service, or dirty silverware, or been seated at an unwiped table.

My most recent visit was yesterday. I needed some comfort food on Election Day 2008, and Steak 'n' Shake didn't disappoint. I ordered the Frisco Melt Platter - two patties with American and Swiss cheeses, lettuce, tomato, and "tangy Frisco sauce," served on grilled sourdough. The platter comes with two sides. I opted for Steak 'n' Shake's signature shoestring potatoes with cheddar cheese sauce, a dish of cole slaw, and a tall fountain Coke.

After a brief wait, the friendly server brought my meal, and I sat there in a sea of white tile and black formica and stainless steel and red neon and savored every bite. It was excellent, as any meal containing 132 grams of fat should be.

The check was $10 exactly, and I left a $2 tip. Not inexpensive by any stretch, but worth every penny. Thank you, Emerald Parkway Steak 'n' Shake. See you next time.

McDonald's (Tuttle Crossing)

Folks, the reigning Arches champion in the Dublin, Ohio area is still the 161 and Frantz location. However, I do believe the Tuttle Crossing franchise could give it a run for its money. I visit this one often as it's closer to work and the food is always pretty decent.

In the fairly recent past, I would regularly hit the drive-thru for an artery-clogging two double cheeseburgers (that's four patties) and a medium fry for a bargain $3. But I never exactly felt light on my feet after eating such fare, so I've decided to dial it back a bit. Yesterday I went with what is fast becoming my favorite meal: the #10 Crispy Chicken meal.

I'm not sure when the Crispy Chicken Sandwich got "revamped" to use marketing speak, but it's a quality mid-day treat. Past whole-breast chicken sandwiches always had an inordinate amount of gristle. However, none could be found on my Tuesday sandwich (or the previous example I had last week at the go-to location). This sandwich is quite tender, with a lightly-spiced crispy outer layer that seals in the juices nicely. It sits upon a premium honey-wheat roll, adorned with lettuce, tomato, and a generous dollup of mayo: exactly what I like in (on) a sandwich.

So the sandwich was top-flight, but I couldn't give the restaurant four stars because the fries were lukewarm. Now this is not usually a problem with this location, but I've got an obligation to our lard-loving readership to tell it like it is, and the fries weren't all that.

Otherwise, Tuttle is a nice location. The seating area seems small, but it's creatively configured to hold more people than you'd think, with plenty of nooks and crannies to give a little more privacy than the airplane-hangar arrangement common to most fast-food places. The two TVs in the joint were tuned to a daytime soap rather than the typical ESPN or CNN, which I thought strange, but not so much as to make me lose my mind and start eating at TGI Fridays or something.

You'll do well to avoid the drive-thru at peak hours, as I swear it starts to form a spiral around the building. I guess the mall shoppers are the laziest folks around, because there's never more than a few people in line if you actually walk inside. "I can wait here all day, so long as I don't have to get out of my bucket seat. And I'll take the salad... watching my figure"

Burger King (6400 Sawmill Road at 161)

Folks, I just came from the Burger King at Sawmill and 161, where I ate the best BK double cheeseburger I've ever eaten. And I've been eating BK double cheeseburgers a long, long time. Why, when I first ate a BK double cheeseburger, I had to ride a BMX bicycle four miles in the snow, uphill, both ways, just to get there.

OK, that's an exaggeration. When it snowed back then, I walked to BK. The point is, I know BK double cheeseburgers the way Lloyd Bentsen knew JFK, and believe me, this was an excellent double cheeseburger.

This was supposed to be a negative review. I had to run an errand in the Sawmill/161 area and I needed a quick lunch. There's a BK there where I remember getting substandard service some time ago, and I've been writing a lot of positive restaurant reviews lately. So here was a golden opportunity to write something humorously scathing, and all it would cost me is a few bucks and a little indigestion.

There was no indication I was in for such a treat when I walked into the restaurant. There was a sizable line of customers at noon, mostly blue-collar guys and moms with little ones. This BK has an indoor playground, thankfully separated from the main dining area by a nearly-soundproof glass wall.

The line moved quickly. I ordered a double cheeseburger, onion rings, and a Coke. This combo was not listed on the value menu, but the cashier rang up a combo price of $3.19. Quite a bargain.

And then I sat down, unwrapped the burger, and bit in. BK makes a big deal of their burgers being broiled and not fried, and this one tasted like it had just come off the backyard charcoal grill. Plenty of ketchup and mustard. Fresh pickles. Soft, fresh bun. The taste of mid-summer, in the dead of winter.

Now, maybe the burger was fresher than usual because BK is running commercials featuring the double cheeseburger for a buck, and everyone's ordering it. Maybe the manager runs a tight ship and the broiler is kept cleaner than most. Or maybe the anonymous fry cook (excuse me: broil cook) in the back takes an unusual amount of pride in his job. Whatever the reason, this burger was beyond good. If I had paid $8 for it at some trendy new bar and grill, I wouldn't have felt ripped off.

Given the quality of the burger and the bargain price, I really wanted to present this BK with the coveted Dublin Grease Guide Five-Spot Award. But I can't, for the following reasons:

* Two tables were too filthy to use. One was covered with spilled salt and a cardboard BK crown; the other contained some departed diner's tray and lunch trash. The BK staff probably couldn't spare a crew member to wipe tables at the height of the lunch rush, so chalk this one up to the dirtbaggery of the general public.

* One of the two drink stations was completely inoperative.

* My onion rings weren't quite hot. On the other hand, they were crispy and completely cooked, thank goodness. (Ever eaten soggy, semi-cooked BK onion rings? I have, and I never will again. Not only do they taste awful, they turn your insides into a state-of-the-art chemical warfare production facility.)

So in conclusion, I'm left with the question: does the BK at Sawmill and 161 always serve burgers this tasty, or was this was an outstanding performance from a normally mediocre shop? Are they the Muhammad Ali of broiled burgers, or merely Buster Douglas having a single moment of glory? Only repeat visits will tell. I'll go back in a month or so and write a follow-up.

UPDATE, 2/14/08: I took Cap Jr. to the Sawmill & 161 BK last Saturday so he could enjoy the indoor playground. He reports that his hamburger and fries were excellent. I tried the Tendercrisp Chicken Sandwich and found it a little disappointing. The chicken was tasty, but the bun was going stale and the tomatoes were tasteless. I'm not going to change the 4-spot rating - after all, chicken isn't Burger King's specialty. Stick to burgers and you'll have a good meal here. And if you're under 46 inches tall, enjoy the playground as well.

Rally's (4799 Sawmill Road)

If you've lived in Columbus long enough, you've seen a lot of fast-food chains come and go, such as Burger Chef, G.D. Ritzy's, Rax, Sister's, Zantigo, and Big Bite. Most of these failed because they offered a redundant or inferior product to the industry leaders, often at a premium price. Others seemed like sure-fire hits (remember G.D. Ritzy's shoestring fries and ice-cream bar?), but failed anyway.

And some chains, like MacArthur's old soldiers, never die - they just fade away. Rally's once operated many restaurants in the Columbus suburbs with diner-like red vinyl booths and black formica tables. They now offer only drive-thru service, and the only remaining locations seem to be scattered through the inner city and the far West Side. Rally's provided good burgers at reasonable prices, and their battered fries were a unique menu item. Why didn't they succeed?

A quick Google search reveals there's still a Rally's at Bethel and Sawmill. Perhaps a visit will help solve this mystery.

The Sawmill Rally's is a little white hut with drive-thrus on both sides of the building and a couple of picnic tables out front, should anyone should want to enjoy the 20-degree temperatures. The double drive-thru would be a nice time-saving touch if I had a passenger who cared to place the order for me. I'm dining solo mio today, so I take the right-hand line. The wait wasn't an issue anyway - at noon, there were only two cars ahead of me. I imagine being served yesterday's burger on a stale bun due to slow sales and wonder if I've made a mistake.

Things began to look up when I pulled up to the speaker. A sweet, sultry female voice greeted me with "Welcome to Rally's, would you like to try a double deal today?" It's always a good sign when the drive-thru cashier has a good attitude and doesn't mumble. It's a bonus if she sounds as if she might look like Beyonce Knowles or Pam Grier. I quickly scanned the menu. The Rally-Q was my old favorite from college days: a Sloppy-Joe-like sandwich of crumbled beef slathered in mild barbecue sauce, sold for 79 cents. It's gone now, but the Rallyburger and Big Buford are still available, along with new (to me) items including fish and chicken sandwiches and hot dogs. I ordered a small-sized Rallyburger combo meal.

I pulled forward to find that while the cashier didn't look like Beyonce, she did have a kind smile and a pleasant, professional demeanor not often found in fast-food service. She quickly made my change (total bill: under $4!), handed me my bag full of greasy goodness, and sent me on my way. Now - where to eat? I remembered that Griggs Reservoir Park runs the length of Riverside Drive from Hayden Run to Fishinger, with scenic overlooks of the Scioto River - as scenic as Ohio in January gets.

I find a nice spot along the east bank of the Scioto. In the summer, there are ducks, geese, joggers, dog-walkers, and picnickers. On this frigid day, there's just me, eating in the car. I decide to start with the fries. Rally's fries are battered to a light crisp and seasoned with lots of pepper. These were hot and tasty, just as I remembered them, with a flavor unlike the fries at any other quick-service restaurant. So far, so good.

Time to move on to the burger, which is wrapped in foil rather than paper to better hold the heat - a crucial concern for a drive-thru-only establishment. Sure enough, my burger was still nice and hot. The bun was fresh, though mashed a bit; the patty was flavorful, but a little too greasy. Toppings included cheese, lettuce (a little limp), tomato (fresh, but flavorless), red onions (crisp and strong), ketchup and mayo (plentiful - again, crucial for a restaurant that has no condiment bar). The Coke was a little flat, but not undrinkably so.

In summary, the Sawmill Rally's provided a good (though not great) meal at a very reasonable price with excellent service. If my experience is representative of the chain as a whole, then I remain stumped as to why the suburban eat-in Rally's locations failed. Maybe the Rally-Q was the karmic keystone holding the Rally's chain together, and pulling it from the menu started the long, slow decline.

McDonald's, Perimeter Loop

6830 Perimeter Loop Rd
Dublin 43017



Seriously, there's a McDonald's off Avery Road. Caspar and I had time for a quick, greasy lunch today, and Arches is always on the short list of stops. Given that I've already reviewed our favorite McHaunt, we thought we'd try another location -- for your sake. I suggested Tuttle, and Caspar noted there was one in the Perimeter area. I told him he was daft, that there's a Wendy's and a BK, but surely no Arches -- how could I have missed it all these years?

Well it is indeed there, we dined there, and here are some observations. First, I've missed it all these years because the big golden M in the red field is not allowed to exist in this part of Dublin. All signage is brown and small, including signs to get back on the freeway (it's close to Muirfield, meaning rich golfers and golfer wannabe's don't like to know where they're going). So lost in a sea of brown and brick was a McDonald's situated in the Giant Eagle shopping plaza.

Once you've sighted it, getting there is still another challenge when going north on Avery -- you make a right into the shopping plaza and then need to make an immediate left, cutting across traffic turning into the plaza from the southbound lanes. Messy, but no great obstacle if great grease is to be had. Unfortunately, the dining experience left much to be desired.

The place is the Toyota RAV-4 of McDonald's franchises: too damn small to be useful. I ordered my Big Mac meal (I always go with that at a new franchise to test their version of the flagship product) and turned to grab a seat... and found there were none. The restaurant has an odd L-shape, and I wandered around the corner and that side was packed too. No seats. At 11:40. It seemed to have the same amount of capacity as your average Subway strip mall franchise. What the hell do you do at a fast-food restaurant standing there with your tray when you have no place to sit? I was heading over the counter to get a bag when eagle-eyed Caspar spied a hidden (unwiped) bar-height table by itself between a wall and the vestibule. Fortunately the folks coming in behind us all ordered to-go. Perhaps they knew the drill.

Caspar's shorter stature was an obvious hindrance at this location. The drink lids are located unconventionally above the drink dispenser, which is easily missed if your eye-level is lower. Also, the bar-height table and stools were ill-equipped with foot-rests. There were none on the table and the ones on the chairs were quite low, such that Caspar's feet had nowhere to perch.

"What the hell do you suppose that is?" is not one of the top questions I like to have asked of me during a meal, and we agreed to pretend to not notice whatever it was that was stuck to Caspar's tray. In general, the place had a decent decor and was fundamentally clean (no old dirt), but there were numerous places where small, new messes were not attended to. So why three grease spots instead of two?

Because it's all about the food. And the food was pretty good. The Big Mac was a very good specimen of its kind: fresh bun, served hot, sauce evenly applied, and juicy patties. The fries were typical Arches, which is to say quite good. We were served quickly by friendly staff, and as we exited, one of the cashiers yelled out to us to have a good day (mind you we had not made eye contact such that she'd feel compelled to say anything, she just called after us). Nice touch.

If you get friendly service and a good hot meal, the rest becomes less important. I don't think it can replace our staple location on 161, but it'll do in a pinch.

ADDENDUM: This does not typically concern us, but it's worth noting that all three aforementioned McDonald's locations (Tuttle Crossing, 161(Bridge St), and Avery/Perimeter have Wi-Fi access.

Burger King (Mill Run)

If you care enough about cheap, greasy food to read this blog, you know that all franchise restaurants are not created equal. When I was a senior at Ohio State, I lived in Westerville and worked an internship in Hilliard, and was thus a regular customer at three Burger King restaurants: North Campus, Sunbury Road, and Mill Run. There was such a vast difference in quality among these three stores that I wondered how they could be part of the same chain.

Mill Run could always be relied upon to provide good service and tasty food. Sunbury Road was lousy, but it was so convenient to my home that I kept trying it in hopes that it would improve. North Campus was hit-and-miss. Eventually I stopped visiting North Campus and Sunbury Road entirely. The quality of the food at Mill Run was so much better that, if I had a craving for a Whopper (insert off-color joke here), I'd wait for my next scheduled work day in Hilliard rather than pay for a substandard meal.

Today I had to run from Dublin to West Broad for some parts to repair my clothes dryer. Returning on 270, with an empty belly and pressed for time, I remembered that my old favorite BK was just half a mile from the Hilliard-Cemetery exit. Could Mill Run still deliver the goods after all these years?

The full parking lot was certainly encouraging. I grabbed the last available space, my little American econosedan lost in a sea of full-size pickups and white cargo vans. For some reason, BK seems to attract a blue-collar clientele, while Wendy's appeals more to the Office Space crowd. I waited in line behind two guys in Dickies gear debating the merits of the Dodge truck with the Cummins turbodiesel engine versus the Ford with the Powerstroke. If I needed a vehicle that could tow 20,000 lbs - which I don't - I'd go for the Chevy with the Duramax. (After all, this is ouuuuuuuur count-reeeee.) Given that both men used good English and had complete sets of teeth, I could probably have voiced my support for the Chevy without being punched in the face - but why take the chance?

The counter girl spoke just enough English to take my order properly and make the correct change. What more can you ask, really? I ordered a Whopper combo with cheese and headed for the soda station - a dual soda station, actually, which is a nice touch. Nobody likes to stand there holding a full tray of food, waiting for some soccer mom to fill up four kid-sized cups of Hi-C. The decor is definitely old-school BK - hard-formed fiberglass booths with tables supported by a single center post cemented in place. The place was clean, though, and after all, we're talking about Burger King, not Cameron's Steakhouse. Time to sit down and eat.

Now any ol' BK can provide hot flame-broiled patties; what makes or breaks a Whopper is the quality of the toppings and freshness of the bun. The lettuce was crisp, the tomatoes ripe, the onions flavorful without being bitter, the bun was soft and warm, and ketchup and mayo were distributed nicely. On the whole, a fine example of BK's signature sandwich.

The fries were hot and fresh, though they had a slightly fishy taste. Maybe Mill Run uses the same vat to fry the Big Fish filets that they use for french fries? Maybe they're trying out some new trans-fat-free oil? Whatever the reason, if you like the Big Fish sandwich, you'll like the fries, and if you don't, you won't.

Fifteen minutes later, I was back in the car and on my way. The good old Burger King at Mill Run gave me exactly what I needed: a hot, tasty meal, served quickly, for less than $5. No wonder it seems to be the favorite of Hilliard's contractors and construction workers. God bless the things in this world that don't change.

As for the Sunbury Road BK? Apparently I wasn't the only one who swore off eating there. It was torn down a few years ago and replaced by a fairly good Arby's.

Wendy's (Perimeter Loop, aka Hospital Drive)

Once upon a time in America, Van Halen ruled the airwaves, Crockett and Tubbs kept the streets of Miami safe, and Wendy's was the undisputed king of fast-food quality. Hungry customers could count on a burger topped with crisp veggies on a soft, fresh bun with a side of freshly-made fries, salted to perfection. One might hit a Burger King or a McDonald's for variety's sake, but only Wendy's could be relied upon for a top-notch fast-food dining experience.

In the era of iPods and CSI: Everywhere, there's no guarantee that a visit to the smiling girl in the red pigtails will result in a good meal. Soggy fries, stale buns, limp lettuce, and inaccurate order-filling have spoiled several recent Wendy's visits for me. In the post-Dave Thomas era, Wendy's seems to have lost its way, and management appears to be scrambling for a solution.

Fortunately, there are a few locations around still doing it Dave's Way. Judging by my last visit, the Wendy's at Perimeter is one such restaurant. Hoping for an 80's-style experience, I ordered the #1 combo: a single with cheese, fries, and a Coke. The patty was hot and greasy enough to be flavorful, yet not greasy enough to foul the bun. The lettuce, tomato and onions were crisp and tasty and the fries were cooked to perfection. If I had to pick nits, I'd point to the sad little smear of ketchup in the center of the burger, but that was easily rectified with a trip to the condiments bar.

A coworker who dined with me ordered the Baconator. He reports that it was tasty, though he couldn't finish it. I can't bring myself to try the Baconator, because I have never forgiven it for bumping the Big Bacon Classic from the menu. The Big Bacon Classic was a single with a Kaiser bun, cheese, lettuce, tomato, onion, and three strips of bacon, perfect in its simplicity before the Wendy's marketing folks robbed it of its veggies and loaded it with an additional 1/4-lb patty, another slice of cheese, and three more strips of bacon and renamed it the Baconator. Why, Wendy's? Why give the Michael Moores and Morgan Spurlocks of the world more ammunition in their war against Big Grease? Did anyone ever sit down to eat a Big Bacon Classic with fries and get up complaining that he was still hungry? If Clara Peller tried a Baconator, she wouldn't ask where the beef was — she'd gag on it. Curse you, Baconator, you monument to 21st-century excess...

Where was I? Oh, right - the Perimeter Wendy's. The counter staff was friendly and efficient, the condiment bar well-stocked, and the dining room clean and spacious. This location shares space with Wendy's poor donut-peddling cousin Tim Horton, and there's always plenty of seats on Tim's side of the building should the Wendy's side fill up. Unfortunately, this space-sharing arrangement means that from 11:45 to 1:00, the parking lot is gridlocked with two intertwining lines of cars waiting for the dual drive-thru windows. If you don't have time to dine in, arrive early to avoid the hassle.

Wendy's executives looking to restore the chain to the glory it enjoyed in the Reagan era would do well to have a meal at the Perimeter Wendy's, then brainstorm on ways to propagate this quality to all locations. And take the geek in the pigtailed wig from the current ads — please.

Culver's (Sawmill Parkway and Powell Rd)

4137 Powell Rd, Powell, OH

If you've ever eaten at Champps, or Max & Erma's, or TGI Friday's with the office lunch crew and walked out wondering why you're $13 light for the privilege of eating at a socially-acceptable burger joint, there is an alternative.

I heard about Culver's because of their frozen custard. However, I've never actually sampled their custard, because there's never room after the Butterburger Experience. They have a full menu of items, but truth be told, the only variation to my order has been whether to get the single or double.

This is a real burger. I do enjoy a good Big Mac now and again, but we're talking about completely different leagues here, and should be rated accordingly. The Butterburger stacks up against just about anything, in my opinion, and the Culver's service is always top-notch. It's really a hybrid restaurant, mostly fast-food, with a touch of sit-down. You order your food, then take a number and sit down. Instead of standing at the register like cattle, you enjoy your company at your table, and before you know it, the feast is brought to you.

Butterburgers are served with a thick slice of pickle on top of the bun. I'm fairly particular about pickles. In general I detest having a limp spear slapped on my plate, dripping juice to make my fries pickly or bun soggy. But the Culver's crisp pickle garnishment is a nice touch, and is usually consumed as an appetizer.

The bun is a bulky roll, always fresh. As to the burger, Culver's says its meat is never frozen, ensuring freshness. Whatever the secret, it's very good, and in generous portions. Fries are crinkle-cut, crisp, fresh, and plentiful.

Now, I have seen orders messed up. Last summer three of us ordered the single and all got the double. But that's a mistake I'm willing to forgive anytime.

They have a pretty family-friendly atmosphere being a frozen custard purveyor, so there's always a good mix of working stiffs like us and stay-at-home moms with their kids. If you like to curse up a storm at lunch, go elsewhere.

Pretty easy to get in and out of there, though it's a bit out of the way up in Powell. I'm not sure how long the zoo construction is to continue, but last time we went we were unable to cut across 750 from Riverside and had to take a very long detour around a very big block. Best to come up Sawmill if you're unsure.

This is five-star fast-food that knocks the cheese off Crapplebees and their ilk, all for less than eight bucks.

McDonald's (161 and Frantz)

337 W Bridge St, Dublin, OH

Several years ago, I was involved in an investment club. I researched a stock that I thought was ready to take off: McDonald's. It was down to about $14 a share, held down due to uncertainty over the looming war, the looming fat-food lawsuits, and a growing awareness of healthy eating. We didn't buy, but we should have, as it now trades for close to $60. Whatever else McDonald's is, it is quintessentially American, and will adapt. It is also a hated franchise among the latte-quaffers in every office in America, which perhaps endears it to me even more.

The go-to McDonald's for us lately has been at Rt. 161 and Frantz Rd. This is an older franchise, and a place that gives us results. I will vary my order at the Arches in direct proportion to how long it's been since I've eaten there. If it's been a while, it has to be the Big Mac. Wednesday's Mac did not disappoint, and was probably the freshest, most delicious specimen of that species that I have tasted. The mitigating factor for that visit was the fries, which were uncharacteristically overfried. I'm willing to overlook it as a fluke, but will have to keep my eyes out for a trend.

You'll do well to arrive before 11:45 or after 12:30, but even at peak times, lines are reasonable. It's always a clean restaurant, and the counter service is top-notch, for fast food or anywhere else for that matter. Considering that the restaurant industry averages over 100% annual turnover, it's hard to be consistent, but these folks have done it well for years.

There's no real issue getting in or out, or with parking as it's located in the Kroger plaza, and pull-thru spots are usually available close-by. The only strange thing about the place is the vestibule, which is so narrow that patrons often get stuck behind the door they just opened if they chose the wrong interior door. There's no Playplace in the modern sense, but it does have a children's area with a few activities in the back.

All-in-all, a good example of a proud American franchise.