Panera Bread (Tuttle Mall)

Today I visited Panera Bread in Tuttle Mall, because that's where my lunch companion wanted to go and it was her turn to choose the destination. I've been to Panera just three times in my life - twice because my wife wanted to go, and today because my coworker wanted to go. It's a good place to get in touch with your feminine side.

The menu appeared to be full of healthy items perfect for people hoping to avoid the weight gain and loss of self-esteem that inevitably results from a lardy diet such as mine. I'm happy being a large mammal and I need a lunch that will keep me full for at least five hours, so I ordered the chipotle chicken sandwich ("NEW!").

Everybody seems to be offering chipotle-themed items in hope of harnessing the popularity of the Chipotle burrito chain. Here's another case of marketing-think gone awry, because as far as I can see, there's only one way to harness the popularity of the Chipotle burrito chain, and that's to sell burritos made from fresh ingredients at a bargain price.

I'd like to tell you how Panera's chipotle chicken sandwich tasted. I'd like to, but I can't, because they served me a ham sandwich instead with colby cheese, lettuce, and tomato, with a side of chips and a pickle spear. I was so preoccupied thinking about work that I didn't realize the mistake until I'd taken several bites, so I went ahead and finished the ham sandwich.

All the sandwich ingredients were fresh, but as I sat there chewing, it occurred to me that if I wanted a fresh sandwich on whole-wheat bread, I could make a better one at home using deli meat and cheese from the grocery store. I'd have my choice of mayo or mustard (Emeril's smooth honey, Gulden's brown, or French's yellow) and my choice of chips (this week's selections: cool ranch Doritos, Sun Chips, or wavy Lay's potato chips). And it wouldn't have cost me $8.84, either.

Panera rates three spots because the food was fresh, the restaurant was clean, the service was prompt (if inaccurate), and I did get change back from a $10 bill (though not much). It's a good choice for women wanting to stay skinny and men wanting to meet skinny women. If you don't fit into either of those categories - and as a married fat guy, I don't - you can find a better lunch for less money elsewhere.